The Hell Brigade Wants You!
by Daddy
Summary: Todd doesn't want to join hell's armies, blah blah blah, Pepito wants him to, blah blah blah, PG-13 rating will be earned in future installments...
1. Dinner on the hellmouth

What if Todd had, by some chance of the imagination, joined Senor Diablo's little hell brigade thing? I make no promises that this will not be the crappiest thing you've ever seen. There's good grammar and spelling, sure, but also crap. Whee! Also, I haven't read the Squee! book in quite the while, so canon wording will be altered to my will. Also, it will be slash eventually, but for right now, they're, like, in elementary school. geez.  
  
~~~  
  
Senor Diablo, in all his majesty and grandeur, towered far above little Todd, ordering him in thundering tones to join the armies of hell, and become so much more than he could ever be by himself.  
  
Todd, even though scared out of his wits, and not a little dumbfounded by the strange family that Pepito had, called forth all the concentration power his child mind could muster- getting a calling to join hell by Satan himself was pretty serious.  
  
"Um, no, that's okay." He idly stirred the mashed potatoes on his plate.  
  
"Well, that's that." Senor Diablo went back to his meal, while his son pouted to the side.  
  
Later that night, when Todd was just about to leave for home, Pepito stopped him by the front door and asked in a very serious and slightly angry voice, "Why did you refuse to join us?"  
  
Todd blinked at him with his humongus and slightly moist eyes. "I don't want to work for hell. I have homework."  
  
Pepito couldn't challenge that kind of power. "So then, after you're done with your homework, then will you join?" his eyes lit up with evil anticipation.  
  
"Hmm." Todd tilted his head to the side, thinking very hard. "No, no, I don't really like hell all that much."  
  
"Todd," growled Pepito, "I really want you to join me. I am so lonely here. and you're the only innocent being I've found in my long stay."  
  
"Um, no, that's okay. I've got to go home now. See you tomorrow!" Todd shouted as he ran from the damned house.  
  
Pepito, the Anti-Christ, could only stand in the open doorway and glare at the world. He would have Todd, willingly or otherwise.  
  
~~~  
  
Hmm, where could I be going with this. 


	2. Hell: worse than telemarketing?

The next day at school, Pepito had stopped Todd during lunch, during recess, and during any bathroom breaks he took, always demanding that he join Hell's minions. Todd said no every time, but Pepito never gave up. The Anti-Christ was nothing if not determined.  
  
Todd even had had to get up in the middle of the night several times to answer the phone, and it was always Pepito with the same spiel. Todd, patient and frightened as he was, was getting fed-up.  
  
"Pepito, it's 2 AM! I won't ever join hell, okay!? Ever!"  
  
"I will show you the error of your ways." Screams echoed in that chilling voice.  
  
"Then do it while the sun's up! And stop leaving dead animals on the front lawn!"  
  
"I thought you'd like them. They're presents, you know."  
  
"I like living animals, okay!? And just stop, anyways! Leave me alone!" he slammed the phone on the receiver, and went from hotly angered to a cold dread. He probably shouldn't have yelled at Satan's son. He ran back to bed, and dove under the covers with Schmee. Hopefully Pepito couldn't jimmy the locks. It took him a good fifteen minutes of intense shivering for the day's weariness to catch up with him, and he fell into a deep, haunted sleep.  
  
On the other side of town, a horned, angry boy threw the phone on the floor and jumped on it, smashing it to bits. The damned telephone wasn't the answer. He'd just have to find something else, then. For all of the failures he had experienced, he was quite enjoying the hunt. It gave him something else to think of instead of just sending people to the basement.  
  
His musings were shockingly interrupted by his mother's voice yelling down the stairs. "Pepito, get to bed! It's too early to be up! Or are you doing homework?"  
  
Sighing, Pepito trudged up the stairs, and passing his mother, waved her off. "I'm going already."  
  
She looked after him, and watched him slam his door shut. "Are all little boys this troubled?"  
  
A deep voice answered her, "If they've got hell fire in them, they are. Come back to bed, dear, I need my beauty sleep."  
  
She giggled, answering with a 'yes, honey', and shut the bedroom door behind her.  
  
In his own room, Pepito sat cross-legged on his bed, clothed in his grinning bears jammies, and concentrating very hard.  
  
~~~  
  
Gee, I hope I'm not just talking to myself here. 


	3. Sweet dreams are made of talking with th...

Todd knew his dreams were usually disturbing, but this went far and beyond anything he ever thought his damaged psyche could come up with. Upon closing his eyes, he had fallen into a dream world he had never experienced before. Everything was so bright, and floral fresh. There were happy animals everywhere, and small lights hovered in the air right above his head, and moved with him when he walked. A light breeze played over his skin, and there were bird songs all around him. Schmee was there, strolling beside him, and Todd had such a feeling of relaxment and contentment that he had never felt before. It was a good dream, for once. No monsters trying to eat him, no aliens trying to kidnap and dissect him, no blood or gore or anything scary.  
  
With a happy sigh, Todd flopped backwards and rolled in the green grass, not caring if he dirtied his white pajamas. This felt so good, so nice. It was too bad it was only a dream. Another thought drifted through him, one not wholly from himself, but with his voice, nonetheless: If life could be like this, I would do anything to have it.  
  
Todd stilled and pondered a moment over it. Anything was a big word, but it was also very true. There were a lot of things he would do to be happy. Yes, many things.  
  
As he let his mind wander, he stared up at the bright blue sky, and immediately noticed how a few puffy clouds were coming over the horizon. Interested and not yet alarmed, Todd sat up and watched as the clouds sped towards him and were right over his head in a matter of seconds. Nothing was that fast, what could it mean?  
  
The animal noises around him began to ebb, and the animals left the hillside clearing for the denser forest. Suddenly alone, and in the growing quiet and darkness, Todd turned to his best friend for an explanation and support. But Schmee was gone! Where could he have-  
  
Todd looked up into the bi-colored eyes of his recent tormentor, who had Schmee in one hand, and a round piece of metal in the other.  
  
"What are you doing here!?" he stuttered out with surprise, and couldn't tear away his eyes from the death-grip that was around Schmee's throat.  
  
"I," those piercing orbs pinned him to the ground, "am here to give you what you've always wanted. I've constructed this dream for you, Todd, and I watched you enjoy it. This can be yours," he swept out a bear-squeezing hand and motioned to the ever-menacing darkness encroaching on them, "if you only do one, small thing for me."  
  
Todd gulped, knowing what the devil boy wanted, but just to be sure, "What?"  
  
Pepito seemed to grow in that instant, so that he towered over Todd, and lightning crashed and thunder boomed behind him, making him so menacing that Todd cried out and tried to scuttle backwards. "Join me, Todd!" his voice thundered, "and I will give you everything you've ever wanted!"  
  
"No, please!" Todd yelled in fright, "Don't make me! It's bad, I know it's bad!"  
  
Pepito, back to his normal self, allowed the skies to clear a little, and the wind to rustle Todd's hair once again. "How is it bad, Todd? Everything about it is good."  
  
"How can that be?" Todd snatched Schmee back when the slightly crinkled bear was held out to him.  
  
Pepito sat heavily beside Todd, and ignored how the boy shivered and inched away from the close contact. "Think about it, Todd. Do good people go to hell?"  
  
"No." Todd whimpered.  
  
"So how do you think bad people get there? Because of people like me and my Dad! We take evil people and put them away forever, so that they can't be mean to the good people. Doesn't that make sense?" That special light was beginning to shine in his eyes again.  
  
"I guess so," Todd ducked his face into his curled-up knees, getting a far- away look in his eyes.  
  
"And you're not doing anything good right now, Todd. You're a good person, you should be doing things to help others. Wouldn't you like to help others?" Pepito leaned in closer.  
  
"Of course I would!" Todd gasped, "But, still, you're evil."  
  
"I'm only thought of as evil! I'm really very good! How many times have I helped you, Todd? Saved you from others?" a few birds chirped now and again.  
  
"Well, more than once, I guess. But you hurt those people! You didn't have to." A family of rabbits crept out from the underbrush, followed by a young doe.  
  
"Oh, yes, I did. Pain is the only thing dumb-asses like them understand. Besides, I'm also the son of Satan. What kind of reputation would I have if I calmly told people to 'stop, or I'll tell the teacher?' I'd get walked on by everyone." The fierce pride in his eyes gave his words power.  
  
"Like me?" Todd finally looked up at him with those wet eyes.  
  
"Yeah, like you." Pepito gave him a pitying look. "Why do you let yourself be scared and hurt? Don't you want to be strong, stand up for yourself?"  
  
"So much. But, I'm just not like that. Why can't people just all be nice to each other?" He absently reach out a hand and rubbed the back of a curious squirrel.  
  
"Because of the evil in them. The world would be much worse off without demons to clean it up. Do you see now, that I'm good, and that Hell's good?" He shot a look behind himself at the encroaching quail, who immediately skittered back into the tall grass.  
  
Todd didn't answer right away, only clutched Schmee tightly to his chest. "I can understand, but, I don't think I can-"  
  
"-think about it, Todd." Pepito interrupted him, and put a hand on his arm. "I'll give you all the time you need, if you just promise to think about it. You can be happy, Todd, and brave and strong and help others. I know you can do it. You just need the right guidance, and the right friend. I want to be your friend."  
  
Todd only had a moment to look over at the earnest sincerity on the boy's face before he woke up with a gasp, sitting straight up in his bed. He looked down at the rumpled bear in his arms, and murmured, "Schmee, what should I do?"  
  
The toy was uncomfortably silent, only staring at the 'Hell Is Cool' campaign button sitting on the bedside table.  
  
~~~  
  
Believe it or not, this was supposed to be at least a little comedic. Whoops.  
  
This length make you any happier, Kurumi? ^_~ 


	4. Let's do the Time Warp!

Damn colds, damn them! I feel so sick. I think I might go to sleep soon. Oh, yeah, and I decided that since Pepito's getting older, he's not going to want to be called the diminutive by everyone so much any more- so he's changed his name to Jose. Of course, those close to him may still call him by the nickname. Small things, I know, but I'm not right in the head at the moment, thank you very much.  
  
Pepito ( Pepe ( Jose = May God give increase ; Todd = Fox (clever or wily person)  
  
~~~  
  
Todd sighed wearily as he hacked through yet another body. He felt he had been on clean-up duty for far too long now, and wanted to learn to great art of persuasion. Not too long ago, he would have been horrified to think that wanted any part of this, but it was now a way of life for him. Standing beside his friend, the son of Satan, and bringing evil to justice. His clothes were so bloody and torn by the time he got home- good thing his parents didn't give a shit.  
  
Sometimes, when he had time to just sit in class and stare at the wall, or during a break in his hunting sessions after school, he remembered when he was small and frightened. 'Squee' was that little boy's nickname, and it fitted too well. It seemed he was constantly scared and emitting that high- pitched shriek. He still did shriek every once in a while, when some bastard got the drop on him before he could saw them in half, but at least now it was a manly, deeper shriek.  
  
He also remembered having no power, and always being lonely. Any friends that he had managed to make were killed in freak accidents. Schmee, poor Schmee- that had been such a dark day. At least now he had a friend that he knew would never die. Not easily.  
  
"Okay, Todd," Jose motioned him over, "we're done for the day. Stuff them in the suitcase, and I'll get our backpacks."  
  
"Pepito," Todd frowned at him, "when are you going to show me how to get the nasty ones to show themselves?" He proceeded to throw arms and torsos into the never-ending black hole in the suitcase.  
  
"Soon, soon, I swear it. You just do such good work with that chainsaw that I'd hate to see it rust." He gave him a teasing smile while looping an arm across his shoulders and pulling him back towards the hole they had crawled out of.  
  
"I've noticed something about you- you used to be so angry and domineering. Now, now you're so friendly. What happened?" Todd blinked at him with wide, curious eyes.  
  
"I hope you didn't just notice- I know you're not that oblivious with everything." Jose took a deep breath, smiling at nothing in particular, "I guess I just feel happier. Things are better than what they were. An~nd," he grinned at Todd, "I can't wait until Dad gives me my birthday present."  
  
"What, another car?" Todd poked him in the ribs before easing himself into the uncovered manhole they had finally reached in a cluttered alley.  
  
"Nope!" Jose jumped in carelessly after him, landing on is feet quite gracefully and sliding the cardboard ceiling back over the hole.  
  
Todd gave him a look as he hefted the suitcase onto his shoulder and skimmed down the slimy, concrete stairs to the lower entrance levels into the employees only area of hell.  
  
"A once-in-a-lifetime trip to wherever I want!" Jose crowed, following close behind Todd, closely enough to breathe in that special scent that only Todd had.  
  
The corridors got lighter and lighter as they descended, and cleaner and cleaner as they moved toward the employee lounge. They passed stations with snoozing, horned gaurds, and bolted doors that contained everything from mops and Pledge to those just too damn crazy to be out in general population- believe it or not, some of the people sent to hell were scarier than the demons.  
  
Todd stopped and stared at him as if he had just said he liked to wear pink, frilly dresses. "Pepito, we go all over the world, already! I mean, we were just in China for crying out loud! Where could you go that we haven't already been to, for work?"  
  
A sinister laugh bubbled up from Jose. "That's for me to know, and you to find out."  
  
Todd only blinked, before opening the door to the men's locker room. "You just went crazier, didn't you?" he strolled over to his allotted locker and brought out some-what clean clothes, and proceeded to strip.  
  
Instead of changing himself, Jose leaned back against the wall and openly ogled Todd as he undressed, much to the continued embarrassment of the boy.  
  
"You always watch me- why? No one else does. It's- it's gross." Todd hastened to cover himself again.  
  
Jose growled and stalked over to Todd, pinning him to the lockers with his arms on either side of Todd's face. "It is not gross! And no one else does it 'cause I'll carve their faces off before they can even think it. You're mine."  
  
"Stop it. You know I don't like it when you talk like that." Todd folded his arms across his chest and glared into Jose's eyes.  
  
"But it's true. You're mine." Jose grinned with all of his teeth, and leaned in close enough that their noses almost touched.  
  
"I am not! You've been saying that for years, and it's never been true! I was never 'yours', and will never be 'yours', so back off already!" Todd roughly pushed past him and marched to the door, only stopping when Jose shouted in his hell-fire voice.  
  
"Don't walk away from me, Todd!" he stood with anger burning in his gaze, and his fists so clenched that his nails were making bloody imprints in his palms.  
  
Todd, frozen for a moment in time, felt his mind skitter and falter, and suddenly he was a little boy again.  
  
~~~  
  
Hmm. this just gets worse as I go on, doesn't it? 


	5. Excuses, excuses

*standing at a podium in the front of a large meeting hall, shuffles papers*  
  
Hello, all you- *looks up and sees one hobo snoozing in the back row* -avid readers. As I have made patently clear for all my JTHM stories, I have not read the series in some time, and have only actually read the compilation books once or twice themselves. But, no more is this true.  
  
Since coming down with a plague that makes mucus spew from out of my nasal passages, I have had sudden 'resting' time to once again indulge in some Jhonen.  
  
I shame myself. There was so much gold that I had forgotten, and quite frankly over-looked, that I am no longer willing to go on with the farces that come out of my fingers and that I laughingly post for my own amusement.  
  
Especially not this Squee one. I'm not going to take it down, because I want to look at it later and remember what not to write. Lots of nots... Anyways, in the future I may once again try my hand at this fanfiction business for the Jhonen comics, but for right now, I'm gonna take a hiatus and try to get a better feel for the characters.  
  
If I ever wish for them to be able to fit in any way back into the canon, it's going to be hard, yoga-influenced work. But, no one said a challenge couldn't be fun.  
  
So, in parting, I beg of you to write what you are comfortable with, and in your own style. Do not feel obligated to follow my path, since it is a calling that I hear most insistently, and you may not. There are many good works floating around that don't even nod to the original works, and more power to them.  
  
*steps down and stuffs ragged papers into an old backpack, and turns before leaving out the backdoor*  
  
Oh, yeah, and if anyone is interested, since I have at least a little bit of time between naps and coughing fits, I would be happy typing out some character notes, well, quotes really, from the Squee! book. Maybe there are some little facts that you've forgotten long ago? Like, Pepito's mother and father met on a Carnival Cruise? Just reply saying that you would like to know some trivia.  
  
And, thanks for being supportive and sticking around. It makes me write.  
  
*stumbles out the door and drunkenly wobbles for home* Must have Mentho- Lyptus... *cough hack cough sniffle*  
  
*hobo snorts and groans, before falling back into that deep sleep where only hobos can dream of going from farm to farm and bailing hay before jumping a boxcar* 


	6. I lied I'm gonna continue writing

Don't hit me for not being able to speak Spanish. I'm trying, okay?  
  
I lied:  
  
After a couple days of heart-searching with Schmee, and the usual getting pounced on by bullies and whatever else might have been rabid at the time- Squee mustered up all the guts he had, which admittedly wasn't more than a few ounces, and took that first step into hell. And another, and another.  
  
He had gone to Pepito's house after school, only for Pepito's mother to tell him she thought she saw him go down into the basement with his father. Breathing a little harsher in trepidation, he opened the basement door and was tossed into the hall by the back draft of fire and heavy sulfur smoke.  
  
Choking and sputtering, he gained his feet and descended down the creaking, moaning stairs. They all whispered to him to go back, don't come any further, but he knew by now to ignore voices, since they always wanted him to do bad things.  
  
As time went on, and he jogged past tortured souls, shadows began to trail him. Sometimes coming closer when he was shocked into stillness at a particularly gruesome scene, and other times fading back when he gave a high-pitched squeal, the dark beings always stayed near him. They multiplied the farther he got down into the sublevels of hell, and soon there was a great crowd behind the little boy. "Soon, soon," they cackled and whistled to one another.  
  
And then- it was their chance! Todd had stopped in front of two huge doors marked 'Employees Only' and was trying to figure out what to do next, when the demons rushed him. All at once, and with a terrific cry, they fell and flowed on top of him, scratching and tearing and screaming with rage and bloodlust.  
  
In the midst of all this, Todd was so scared and panicked he couldn't cry or even squeak. He knew he was going to die in seconds, this really had been the worst idea he had ever had, even worse than the time he'd tried to wash his own clothes and had fallen into the washer instead. Sometimes, when it was real quiet, he could still hear the water sloshing around in his lungs.  
  
But even as the terrors continued to consume Todd, Schmee kept a cool head and kept repeating to Todd what he should say to save himself. Todd finally heard Schmee's voice, and stuttered the magic words.  
  
"!Pepito ama a me! !Me quiere! Uh, uh, what Schmee!? ?El anticristo me enamora?" and just as he had spoken the words, the mob stopped, some gaping at him, others looking fearfully over their shoulders. Most of them dissipated into thin air right then, but others measured him with chilling stares.  
  
One monster stepped forward, and it's long tongue curled out as it spoke in a stone-deep voice, "?El realidad gusta a tu, este es verdad?"  
  
Schmee told Todd to nod, and say, "Si, todo es verdad!"  
  
The demons looked to one and another, shaking their heads sadly, and all departed to find their fun elsewhere.  
  
Todd took a moment to soak this all in, before screaming and running for another entrance door he had spotted.  
  
~~~  
  
It had taken at least another hour of strenuous hiking, but Todd finally made it to the main office of hell. The secretary seated there looked up at him and one eyebrow rose. "You're not supposed to be here yet. You've got at least a few more weeks. Who brought you?" she typed away at her keyboard and peered into hell's databanks.  
  
Todd gulped at her, and quietly told her that he had been invited by the Anti-Christ to join his armies of darkness.  
  
After laughing heartily for a few moments, the secretary made a face at him and told him that there were thousands of people coming there every day making that same claim. Did he really think she'd take him seriously? She waved him off, telling him to scram, since she had much more important arrivals due in seconds.  
  
But Todd, as easily squeezable as he was, wasn't about to give up after being attacked by a herd of demons and getting blisters on his feet from the rough trek down into the pits of despair and hopelessness. "No, seriously Lady, Pepito told me to come here. I want to speak with him, his mom said he'd be down here."  
  
She scrunched her eyes and gritted her teeth and rose from her chair to tower over him, "I have about this much patience left, little boy, and you're walking all over-" her tirade was cut off by a hand appearing in front of her face. It would probably help to know that the hand was connected to one Senior Diablo.  
  
"Excuse me, Miss March, I'll be taking this little nuisance from you. Please go back to work, and thank you for doing such a nice job." Cool and genteel as always, Mr. Satan took Todd's hand, the one not currently squeezing Schmee in a death grip, and led him back toward the cubicles.  
  
From there they went to the elevator, and Satan took Todd down to even further levels, until they got to the 666th floor, where Satan's office was located. Both comfortably seated, Satan got down to business.  
  
"I see you finally accepted my son's proposal."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"This is your final decision?"  
  
"Um, I think so."  
  
Satan waited a few minutes for Todd to conference with Schmee.  
  
"Yes, I'm sure."  
  
"Good, good." Satan stood behind Todd and laid a comforting hand on the boy's tense shoulder. "Pepito will be pleased, and I can see you're going to be a fine worker. There is only one problem."  
  
Todd peered up at the horned figure, "What?"  
  
"You can never break any of the rules." And a thin pamphlet materialized and fell into Todd's lap.  
  
"Are these all the rules?" Todd began to flip through the few pages.  
  
"Yes, but they are all very important. So important, in fact, that if you disobey even one, just once, your soul will be stripped away and destroyed."  
  
"Like, going to hell, destroyed?" Todd really couldn't see the punishment, since technically he was already here.  
  
"No, as in, you will cease to exist. Poof, no more."  
  
"No more?"  
  
"Never existed, never will. No one will know or remember you. Any of your possessions in life will be gone as well, including your parents."  
  
Todd gasped, "Why my parents?"  
  
"Because they had you. Because they got old and useless because of you. If you were to suddenly disappear, and your parents didn't, how would they explain why they are so decrepit, so lifeless and full of anger and pain? They wouldn't be able to well enough, so they go too."  
  
Todd gulped hard, he couldn't imagine messing up so badly that his parent's were thrown into oblivion too, "Um, and these are all the rules?"  
  
"Yep!" Satan smiled brightly at him. "That's all of them. Do you have any questions?"  
  
"Uh. Not yet."  
  
"Well then, I guess you'll be wanting to go see Pepito- he's in his room. It's about time you joined. He's been such a pain in the neck lately, always moping around and talking back. If you're not the cure, then we'll have to keep dosing him with holy water and cod-liver oil. Don't forget to wear your pin now- it'll keep the little-boy-eating-monsters at bay for the first couple days you're here. After that, you're on your own." And in a puff of smoke, Todd was suddenly standing in the hallway, where the door to the basement was.  
  
"You mean this whole time, I could've just asked Satan to transport me?" Todd pouted and trudged for the second-floor stairs. Schmee, swinging at his side, only grinned in that freaky teddy-bear way of his.  
  
Update:  
  
I am dumb. I didn't even put the translations at the end, did I? Sorry, here they are now, in case you're wondering. (And keep in mind these are loose translations.)  
  
!Pepito ama a me! - Pepito loves me!  
  
!Me quiere! - (He) wants me!  
  
?El anticristo me enamora? - The Antichrist is enamored with me?  
  
?El realidad gusta a tu, este es verdad? - The royalty finds you pleasing, this is true?  
  
Si, todo es verdad! - Yes! Everything is true!  
  
Man, I'm sloppy. Okay, back to work, all of you! 


	7. Chatty chat

A little chat with the reviewers:  
  
Hey NnysGirl! You reminded me that this fic was even here, heh heh! Thanks!  
  
Yeah, um, I do want to continue this. I really do. Pepito and Squee still live on in my head. Let's see, hmm. I guess the biggest problem at the moment is where to take the fic, or, at least, how to end it (though at this point an ending is going to be long off). So, I really want help from you readers (OMG I have readers *happy dance*)-where should this go? Really, honestly, if you have any ideas at all, or have any changes that could be made, tell me! A story can't be written without ideas.  
  
And, on the other side of that coin, if anyone wishes to continue, or use this story, themselves, contact me! Just the though makes me really excited- I love to read stories, but not really write them (-_-;; ) I draw better than I write. I want to draw P/S comics.! *whine*  
  
Well, anyways, since I'm at a road block with the fic, I'll just wait and see if anyone replies. If not. I guess I'll study or something instead of writing.  
  
Adios! 


End file.
